I roll into Joplin and find a cheap motel where, I swear, a porn film is being made in the room above me. There’s an occasional bump and mumble but that’s not what’s making it hard to get to sleep. What’s making it hard to get to sleep turns out to be still yet another lesson about cheap motels: When a porn film is being made, every five minutes a guy will drive up in a pickup with the music blasting so loud you can’t tell if it’s a jackhammer or four pounds of TNT blowing up, and to make sure you’re not startled, he’ll shine his bright lights through your cheap curtains.

 

The next day, I actually get, ta da!, a somewhat early start into temperatures over a hundred. (Ouch!) That night, I find another cheap motel (under thirty dollars a night) and as I’m unpacking, I realize that I’ve become a world-class expert on cheap motels. I decide that when I get home I’m going to write a doctoral thesis on the subject based on the extensive list of statistics I’ve gathered over the years. Here’re a few.

 

   There’s a 37% chance your first door key won’t work.

   There’s a 37% chance your second door key won’t work.

   There’s a 47% chance the microwave won’t work.

   There’s a 47% chance there is no microwave.

   There’s a 42% chance you’ll have to unplug the TV to use the only outlet that works.

   There’s a 99% chance your laptop adapter isn’t long enough to reach that outlet.

   There’s a 55% chance there will be an unfamiliar smell in your room.

   There’s a 26% chance you’ll sleep, fully clothed, on top of the bed covers for health reasons.

   There’s a 78% chance one of the light switches will be behind a door.

   There’s a 5% chance one of your neighbors is selling drugs.

   There’s a 5% chance one of your neighbors is making a porn film.

   There’s a 99.99% chance those two neighbors are the same guy and he’s not friendly.

   There’s a 0% chance someone will ask how you liked your room.

   There’s a 100% chance your cheap motel experience will be, well, unique.

 

Last, I will expound on the ecological advantages of the WiFi signal being relayed by carrier pigeons. The most exciting thing, however, is that after my thesis gets published, I’ll be able to sign my name as Dr. Kinn, ECM (Expert on Cheap Motels).